Last orders, please.
- Shaun. - Yeah?
- Do you see what I'm saying? - Yeah, totally.
I know he's your best friend but you do live with him.
I know...
It's not that I don't like Ed. Ed, it's not that I don't like you.
It's all right.
- It'd just be nice if we could... - Fuck.
...spend a bit more time together. - Bollocks.
- Just the two of us. - Cock it.
With Ed here, it's no wonder I always bring my flatmates out
and that only exacerbates things.
- What do you mean? - You guys hardly get on, do you?
No, what does "exacerbate" mean?
It means to make things worse.
Right, right.
Well, I mean, it's not that I don't like David and Di, you know.
- Guys, it's not that I don't like you. - It's all right.
And I do want to spend time with you.
It's just Ed doesn't have too many friends.
Can I get any of you cunts a drink?
Anybody?
No, thank you.
I know...
friends are important to Shaun
but you must set some quality time aside for yourselves.
Daffs is always taking me to see these listed buildings
and I'm always dragging him to the theatre.
- I'm not so hot on theatre. - How about a meal?
- It's your anniversary soon. - It was last week.
- Did you do anything special? - We came here.
Shaun. Hog lumps.
Shaun, what I'm trying to say is I need something more,
more than spending every night in the Winchester.
I want to do more interesting stuff.
I want you to want to want to do it.
Listen to me. I'm beginning to sound like your mum.
- Not that I'd know. - You haven't met his mum?
- Not yet. - Don't you get along with your mum?
- It's not her... - Are you ashamed by your mum, Shaun?
- No, I love my mum. - I love his mum.
Ed!
- Shaun! - Liz.
I understand what you're trying to say and I agree.
We should get out there. We'll start tomorrow.
I'll book a restaurant. The place that does all the fish.
Just the two of us.
Things will change. I promise.
Really, Shaun?
Time, gentlemen.
Shaun?
"Player two has entered the game."
Haven't you got work?
"Player two has left the game."
The front door was open again last night.
- I'm not saying it was you. - I know, man.
- I'm saying it was Ed. - Right.
I can't live like this.
Look at the state of it. We're not students any more.
- Pete... - He brings no money into the house.
- He brings a bit. - What? Dealing drugs?
He sells a bit of weed now and again. You've sold puff.
Yeah, once. At college. To you.
I've known him since primary school. I like having him around, he's a laugh.
Because he can impersonate an orang-utan?
- Fuck-a-doodle-doo. - Leave him alone.
I admit, he can be pretty funny on occasion.
Like that time we stayed up all night drinking apple schnapps and playing Tekken 2.
- When was that? - Five years ago.
When's he going home?
Hey, man, listen... Top left.
- Uh-huh. - I was gonna say... Reload.
- I'm on it. - Erm, since... Nice shot!
Thanks.
Two seconds.
- All right, Noodle? - "Got anything?"
- No, man. - "Eball says you was holding."
- I ain't got nothing. - "Nothing at all?"
I've only got an "enry meself. All right, laters.
- Listen... - Ed...
since you're not working at the moment could you please clean up a bit?
And if you play the answer machine, can you take down everyone's messages?
- Yep. - It's not that taxing, is it?
Writing something on a scrap of paper?
- Nope. - Right.
- Dom, hi...
Come on, it was pretty funny.
- Will you do what he said? - I ain't doing nothing for him.
Do it for me, then.
I'm sorry, Shaun.
- It's all right. - No, no.
I'm sorry, Shaun.
Oh!
Oh, my God, that's rotten.
- I'll stop doing 'em when you stop laughing. - I am not laughing.
- Get that. - You get it.
"Shaun, it's me. I'm gonna be a bit tied up today
"so can you book the table for eight rather than seven?
"I'll try you at work. Bye, bye."
Hey! You're dead.
- Spare some change, please, mister? - Yeah.
Watch out. Are you blind?
"The American deep space probe Omega 6
"unexpectedly re-entered Earth's atmosphere over England
"and broke apart over..."
Nelson?
Hello, my friend. No beer today?
No, it's a bit early for me.
Gather round, everyone. Gather round, please.
Gather round.
As well as Mr Sloman being off today
I'm afraid Ash is feeling a little bit under the weather,
so I will be taking charge as the...
- Oldest. - Senior staff member.
So if we can all pull together...
- Hello? Hello, mate. - Noel?
I was totally munted last night.
Yeah, I spoke to him. He's only got Henry.
All right, mate. Laters.
- Continue. - Thank you.
Erm, as Mr Sloman always says, there's no I in team but there is an I in pie.
In... There's an I in meat pie.
The anagram of meat is team... I don't know what he's talking about.
Phones off. It's not a social gathering.
- All right, keep your hair on, grandad. - Hey! I'm 29 for Christ's sakes.
- How old are you? 20? 21? - 17.
Hey, well...
I know you don't wanna be here forever. I got things I wanna do with my life.
When?
You got red on you.
Hello, mate.
This one comes with a basic digital package.
You've got your lifestyle channels there, a bit of Trisha.
Er, you've got entertainment. I don't know what that is.
News. All the basic, er... news...
- channels. - "Bizarre events..."
"Coming after me..."
- Shaun. - I'm with customers.
It's your dad.
He's not my dad,
he's my stepdad.
Philip.
Shaun.
You haven't forgotten about tomorrow?
- No. - Your bimonthly visit.
No, I haven't forgotten.
You could bring the flowers you forgot on Mother's Day.
I was gonna.
And not a cheap posy from a garage forecourt.
I wasn't gonna.
Well, we look forward to seeing you tomorrow.
OK.
You've got red on you.
- I thought it wasn't a social gathering? - What?
How comes you're allowed to speak to your dad?
A, he's not my dad, OK? He's my stepdad.
And B, it was an emergency.
What, like buying your mum some flowers?
Noel, I do not find it difficult to keep my work and my social life separate.
Shaun, it's Liz for you.
- Hello. - "Hello, it's me."
- Hello. - "Did you get my message?"
- Yep. - "So it's all OK, then?"
- Yep. - "Eight at the place with all the fish?"
"Cool, that's great. Just ring me later."
- Goodbye, Liz. - "Bye. Bye, bye, bye."
Liz from Head Office. It's nothing to panic about.
Sir? Sir?
Sorry. Erm, they're for my mum.
Mum."To a wonderful Mum" or "Supermum"?
- Er... the first one. - Right.
"... London seems to have gone completely bonkers..."
- Oh, my God! Shaun! - Yvonne.
Oooh! How are you doing?
- Surviving. - Are you living round here?
- Yeah, are you? - Yeah, I just bought a place.
- Bought? - I know, bit grown-up, eh?
- Are you still with...? - Liz.
That's great. Glad somebody made it. How long's that been now?
- Er, it's three years ago last week. - Did you do anything special?
- We're going out for a meal tonight. - Anywhere nice?
Yeah...
Come on!
- Are you gonna thank me, then? - For what?
Tidying up.
- It doesn't look tidy. - I had a few beers when I finished.
"Hello, Fulci's. Can you hold, please?"
- Do you want your messages? - What?
Your mum rang about tomorrow night.
Liz rang about the two of you eating out tonight.
Then your mum rang back to see if I wanted to eat her out tonight.
- "Hello, Fulci's." - Hi, I know it's short notice
but could you possibly do me a table for two for tonight at about eight?
"Sorry, we just gave away the last table."
Wasn't true about your mum.
Where are we gonna go?
- The Winchester. - Don't be stupid! They don't do food.
- There's a Breville out back. - Ed, this is serious!
Hello.
- "Hello, it's me." - Hello.
"What's the plan, then?"
Erm, there's been a bit of a... a mix-up with the table, babe.
- "What do you mean?" - They're full up.
"But... I thought you said it was all OK?"
Yeah.
"You didn't book it, did you, Shaun?"
- No. - "So... what is the plan, then?"
The Winchester?
- "Hello?" - Dianne, can you let me in?
- "I'm not sure, Shaun." - Oh, come on.
"Lizzie doesn't want to see you."
- Just open the door! - "She doesn't want to see you."
Do you want me to climb up the wall, come through the window? Because I will.
"You're not coming in."
- OK, see you in a minute. - "Don't..."
"Hi, it's me again."
Can we just talk about this? Let's go out.
- To the Winchester? - Do you want to?
- No, I don't fucking want to! - OK.
It's not the only place in the world.
We'll go to the Shepherd's, they do Thai in there.
- I'm going out with David and Di. - Let's go together.
You hang out with my friends? "A failed actress and a twat"?
That's harsh. I did not call Dianne a failed actress.
Let's just go somewhere and have a laugh. Things'll be fine, I promise.
You promised you'd stop smoking.
You promised you'd try drinking red wine instead of beer!
- You promised we'd go on holiday. - We went to Greece!
- We met in Greece. - At a rave.
It's not the same. You promised things would change.
- You promised us free cable. - I'm working on that.
I can give up smoking whenever I want. See, don't need them.
What was the next one?
It's not enough, Shaun.
"We appear to have a breakdown in communication there.
"If you or someone you know may..."
I'd say your nine lives were up, Shaun.
Get fucked, four-eyes!
You go out with her, you love her so much.
What do you mean by that?
"... the devastation really is extensive. It's a total mess."
I don't know what he meant by that.
Got you these.
- "To a wonderful mum"? - Oooh!
Yeah, that's because...
I thought it would be funny because of what you said last night
about you don't want to be my mum and that.
It's just a little joke, just sort of spur of the moment.
- They're for your mum, aren't they? - Yeah.
Smooth.
If I don't do something, I'll end up in that pub
for the rest of my life like those other sad old fuckers
wondering what the hell happened.
What do you mean do something?
Fuck her. You got your pint.
You got your pig snacks. What more do you want?
Oh. You want your favourite monkey?
Shall I do Clyde?
See, I knew you'd get over her.
Who the hell put this on?
It's on random.
For fuck's sake. John, yes please, mate.
You know what we should do tomorrow? Keep drinking.
A Bloody Mary first thing,
a bite at the King's Head, couple at The Little Princess,
stagger back here and bang... back at the bar for shots.
How's that for a slice of fried gold?
- No. - Come on, man.
Talk to me.
She said if she stayed with me she'd end up in here for the rest of her life
like these sad old fuckers wondering what the hell happened.
That is harsh.
- These are rich, interesting characters. - Like who?
Snakehips. Always surrounded by women.
He's a bigamist.
Strangled his first wife with a draught excluder.
And invented the mobile disco.
What about her, then?
Ooh! Cockacidal maniac.
She's an ex-porn star.
They say she starred in the world's first interracial hardcore loop.
Cafe Au Lait...
Pour Vous.
Yeah. What about John, then?
He's North London Mafia.
It's true, Big Al says so.
Yeah, Big Al also says dogs can't look up.
Think about it. Handy with a blade. Gruff demeanour.
Bernie, the trophy wife.
He's connected. Why is there a rifle above the bar?
- The pub's called the Winchester. - Exactly.
See, you don't need Liz to have a good time.
- Don't, man. - No.
Oi, look at me.
Can I just say one thing? I'm not gonna say there's plenty more fish in the sea,
I'm not gonna say if you love her let her go
and I'm not gonna bombard you with clichés but what I will say is this...
it's not the end of the world.
Sorry, we're closed.
Pisshead.
Oh?
What's the matter, love, haven't you had your tea?
Shh!
Blow!
What? He should say base.
Or freeze.
What a tit.
Don't scratch it! Wait...
- That was the second album I ever bought! - It's four in the fucking morning!
- It's Saturday! - No, it's not.
It's fucking Sunday and I've got to go to fucking work
in four fucking hours because every other fucker is fucking ill!
Now can you see why I'm so fucking angry?
- Fuck, yeah! - Hey! Pete, look,
I'm sorry, we had a couple of drinks, we split up with Liz tonight.
Just keep it down, yeah?
Prick.
What was that?
Nothing.
- Stop it, we're friends! - He's not my friend. He's a fucking idiot.
- What's that supposed to mean? - It means why don't you fuck off!
You wanna live like an animal, live in the shed, you thick fuck!
- Leave him alone! - Stop defending him.
All he ever does is hold you back.
Or is it easier having someone around who's more of a loser than you?
- What's that supposed to mean? - You know what I mean.
I assume it was Liz who did the dumping?
Sort your fucking life out, mate.
What's up with your hand, man?
- I got mugged on the way home from work. - By who?
- Some crackheads. One of them bit me. - Why?
I don't know, I didn't stop to ask them!
I've got a splitting headache and your stupid hip hop isn't helping.
And the front door is open. Again!
It's not hip hop, it's electro. Prick.
Next time I see him, he's dead.
"Shaun, it's me. I'm gonna be a bit tied up today
'so can you book the table for eight rather than seven?
"I'll try you at work. Bye, bye."
"Hello, pickle. It's me, Mum.
"Dad mentioned you might be visiting tomorrow which would be lovely.
"Will you be bringing Elizabeth with you this time?
"Only we can't wait to meet her finally
"and also I was wondering if she wanted anything special for lunch?
"Cos these days a lot of people don't eat meat."
Do you want anything from the shop?
Cornetto.
Nelson, have you got any papers?
Nelson? I haven't even...
I owe you about 15p.
Oh dear.
Sorry, I haven't got any change.
I didn't even have enough at the fucking shop. Oh dear.
"... no official comment but religious groups are calling it Judgement Day. There's..."
- "... number of reports of..." - "... serious attacks on..."
- "... people who are being..." - "... eaten alive."
"Witness reports are sketchy. One unifying detail seems to be
'that the attackers appear to be..."
"... the sensational chart-topping..."
"... or ideological connection between those committing the atrocities..."
There's a girl in the garden.
- "... emergency services..." - What?
In the garden, there is a girl.
"... the armed forces will be called in to provide backup and assistance.
"Scientists are still trying to establish the nature of the phenomenon
"and are unsure as to the..."
Excuse me.
Hello.
- What are you doing? - Oi!
Oh, my God.
She's so drunk.
How much have you had, love?
- Oh! I think she likes you. - Shut up.
- She wants a cuddle! - I've just come out of a relationship.
- Ed, do something! - Wait there.
- Ed! - Two seconds.
I'm really flattered and everything but...
And, hold it there.
Ed! Just get her off me.
Jesus!
- What's up with her eyes? - Now, seriously...
Mary, I'm warning you, I'll have to get physical, I mean it!
This is it... Look, just fuck off!
- I think we should go back inside. - OK.
- Shaun, what's going on? - Shit, it's engaged.
- How about an ambulance? - It's engaged, Ed.
- Fire engine? - It's one number and it's busy!
- And what do you want a fire engine for? - Anything with flashing lights.
Are they still out there?
Yeah. What do you think we should do?
Have a sit-down?
"There are reports of chaos on the motorways
"as thousands of people attempt to flee the cities.
"The M1, the M3, M4, M6..."
- Do you think this is the same thing? - "... are all at a standstill.
"The Home Office is urging people to stay in their homes and await further instruction."
"Ensure all residences are secure
"with all doors and windows firmly locked and barricaded. Police..."
- For God's sake! He's got an arm off! - Get him!
"More reports just in confirm that in all cases the attackers seem slow and shambolic..."
I'm gonna shut the front door.
"... regarding the best way to neutralise the attackers.
"In the meantime, contact with these assailants is highly inadvisable."
- Did you see his head go? - "If you're confronted..."
- We should get out there. - No, we should stay inside.
- We can take 'em. - The man said to stay indoors.
- Fuck the man. - In here, we're safe.
"... the attackers can be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain.
"I'll repeat that, by removing the head or destroying the brain."
Hey!
Aim for the head.
- Now what? - Get more stuff.
- What's in the shed? - Dunno, it's locked.
- Why is it locked? - It's always been locked.
No! That's the second album I ever bought!
Some of these are limited... Ah! What was that?
- Blue Monday. - That was an original pressing.
For fuck's sake.
- Erm... Purple Rain? - No.
- Sign O' The Times? - Definitely not.
- The Batman soundtrack? - Throw it.
- Dire Straits? - Throw it.
- Er... Ooh, Stone Roses? - No.
- Second Coming? - I like it.
Ah! Sade?
- That's Liz's. - She dumped you.
- I'm going to the shed. - You said it was locked.
- Which one do you want? Girl or bloke? - Er... the first one.
"People receiving bites have experienced headaches and nausea
"and developed symptoms..."
You've got red on you.
"If you know someone who has been bitten
"it is absolutely essential that you isolate them immediately.
"The public are being strongly advised not to approach anyone..."
Pete?
- Why don't we just go up? - Don't go up there!
- Why not? - Because A, he might be one of them
and B, he might still be annoyed.
Pete?
Maybe he went into work.
How come he didn't drive? His keys are still here.
Maybe he got a lift. He said he wasn't feeling well. Pete?
Oi, prick!
He's not in.
- You got a fag? - No, I've given up.
- Since when? - Since...
Come on, babe. Oh, she's engaged.
- That was quick. - Ed, this is serious.
Liz!
- "Shaun." - Mum! I was gonna call you. Are you OK?
- "Yes." - Are you sure?
"Some men tried to get into the house."
- Are they still there? - "I'm not sure. We shut the curtains."
- Did you try the police? - "Well, I thought about it."
- Are you OK? Did they hurt you? - "No, I'm fine."
- Mum? - "Well... they were a bit bitey."
- Mum, have you been bitten? - "No, but Philip has."
- Oh, OK. - Has she been bitten?
- No, Philip has. - Oh, OK.
- Mum, what state is he in? - "He's fine. Bit under the weather."
- I see. - What's the deal?
We may have to kill my stepdad. Mum, you're not safe there. I'm coming.
- "I don't want to cause a fuss." - We're coming to get you, Barbara!
So, what's the plan?
Right.
"We take Pete's car, we drive over to Mum's,
"we go in, we take care of Philip."
I'm so sorry, Philip.
"Then we grab Mum, go over to Liz's place,
"hole up, have a cup of tea
"and wait for all this to blow over."
- Why have we got to go to Liz's? - Because we do.
- She dumped you. - I have to know if she's all right.
- Why? - Because I love her.
All right, gay.
- I'm not staying there, though. - Why not?
If we hole up, I want to be somewhere familiar,
I wanna know where the exits are and I wanna be allowed to smoke.
OK...
"Take Pete's car, go round Mum's,
"go in, deal with Philip."
Sorry, Philip.
"Grab mum, go to Liz's, pick her up, bring her back here,
"have a cup of tea and wait for all this to blow over."
Perfik.
No, wait, we can't bring them back here.
- Why not? - It's not exactly safe, is it?
Yeah. Look at the state of it.
Where's safe? Where's familiar?
Where can I smoke?
"Take car, go to Mum's, kill Phil."
- Sorry. - "Grab Liz, go to the Winchester,
"have a nice cold pint and wait for all this to blow over."
How's that for a slice of fried gold?
Yeah, boy!
"To recap, it is vital that you stay in your homes.
"Make no attempt to reach loved ones
"and avoid all physical contact with the assailants."
Do you believe everything you hear on TV?
Yeah, I can see it, it's just outside.
Any zombies out there?
- Don't say that. - What?
- That. - What?
That. The Z word. Don't say it.
- Why not? - Because it's ridiculous.
All right. Are there any out there, though?
Can't see any. Maybe it's not as bad as all that.
Oh! No, there they are.
- OK, let's do this, yeah? - Yeah?
Yeah! I got to do a wee first.
Ooh... can I drive?
What?
I always wanted to drive Pete's car. I might not get another chance.
OK.
Ahh! Oh, God.
Sorry, Pete. Listen, we're gonna borrow your car, OK?
Erm, we'll bring it back.
And if you're feeling better later, we're... we're going to the pub.
You're more than welcome to, er...
join us.
Pete'd be so pissed off if he knew I was driving his car.
I don't think so.
Shaun, which button's central locking?
Oh, cock it!
Get lost!
Drive.
"The Church of England has joined other extremist religious groups
"in proclaiming this "a sign of a coming apocalypse".
"Downing Street is refusing to be drawn into a religious debate.
"The bodies of the recently deceased are returning to life and attacking the living."
Let's put something else on.
What are you doing? Ed, look out!
I think we hit something.
Or someone.
Ow!
Are you all right?
Come on, let's just go.
Hello?
- He's gonna be dead either way. - That's not the point.
Oh, thank God for that.
Ah, hello.
Who's a pretty boy then?
You didn't say Barbara had a Jag. I've always wanted to drive a Jag.
It's Philip's. He won't let anybody near it.
I put a Mars Bar in it once and he chased me with a bit of wood.
- Fuck, it's gorgeous. - It seems pretty clear, we should go.
Why don't I stay here?
What, what, what, what, what?
You know, just look after the car. If there's any problems...
I'll honk three times.
OK.
Don't forget to kill Philip!
- Hello, pickle. - Hi, Mum.
You've got red on you.
Yeah. Mum, is everything OK? Are you all right?
- Yes, I'm fine. - Where's Philip?
- Dad's in the lounge. - He's not my dad.
Really!
Ed's outside, we'll take you somewhere safe.
- What about the doctor? - I don't think he's gonna come.
- Philip won't want to leave the house. - Philip isn't...
Put the kettle on and I'll deal with Philip.
- OK. - OK, then.
- You hungry? - Not really.
- I'll make some sandwiches. - OK.
No fighting, you two.
"... you may ask where is our God?
"But throughout the land, men and women of integrity
"rise up to confront the unseen enemy.
"They will not be cowards,
'they will be courageous in the face of danger."
- I'm so sorry, Philip. - Why?
- What have you done now? - Nothing.
What have you got there? Flowers, I hope.
No, it's... cricket bat.
- Is that for the jumble, Shaun? - No. Yes.
Your toys are upstairs. I was going to give them to the jumble.
- I took them all to the tip, Barbara. - What?
- Shaun wants to take us somewhere. - Don't be silly.
Maybe you should stay here and wait for the doctor.
- You said he wasn't coming. - You didn't call the doctor?
- Just to be on the safe side. - I'm fine. I ran it under a cold tap.
We had ourjabs when we went to the Isle of Wight.
- But, Philip... - It's overblown nonsense.
- A lot of drug nuts running wild. - But I should get Mum away.
- I'm not going anywhere without Philip. - Mum, look!
How about that tea?
Mum, how much do you love Philip?
- Two sugars, is it? - I haven't had sugar in my tea since 1982.
Oh, yes. Will you cut me some bread, love?
Mum, look, how much do you love Philip?
Do we have to go through all that again?
What would you say if I told you that Philip's been quite unkind to me?
You weren't easy to live with.
- He chased me with a bit of wood! - You did call him a you-know-what.
- Did he tell you that? Motherfucker. - Shaun!
Sorry, Mother... Mum!
Did you know that on several occasions... he touched me?
That wasn't true. Made it up, shouldn't have, sorry.
- You don't understand... - No, you don't understand.
Philip is my husband and has been for 17 years
and I would at least expect you to respect my feelings.
You must be more adult about these things.
Yeah.
Come on, Shaun. There comes a time when...
you just...
gotta be a man.
I'm telling you, it's a fuss over nothing.
Hello, Edward.
- Hi, Barbara. - My, how you've grown.
You better believe it. What happened? Why is he coming?
- It wasn't as easy as all that. - Are we following you?
No, it's probably best if we... Where's the car?
Hmm... I pranged it.
You were parked.
Yeah.
I guess we'll have to take the Jag.
- Philip? - What?
Look out!
Christ!
- Give me the car keys! - You're not driving that car.
Give me the car keys! Ed, get Mum in the car.
I'm on it.
Don't worry about me. Worry about your mother.
- Maybe I should drive. - I've adjusted the seat now.
Just be careful!
Can you please turn that noise down?
Are you all right, dear? Would you like another tissue?
I'd be fine if it weren't for that bloody racket.
- It is a bit loud. - Sorry, Barbara.
You do realise this is a 20 mile an hour zone?
Oh, yeah.
- Here. - Mum, this won't take a second, all right?
- Have you still got the child locks on? - Safety first, Shaun.
You can't...
Hey, man, watch the leather.
Keep moving. If there's any problems...
I'll do the honks.